Bugolgi Apparatus

choice options press a button be intimately involved in someone's life make a selection sense of vertigo invades the mind answer a question  face to face with another set of desires fight for resources parceled out in bits over time destroyed by options beaten by choice victims of abundance  could want anything less bludgeoned by decisions lifted by limits  working with just what overwhelms

I scare them all away writing messages to tell me they want to get to know me seeing me in profile making up their own stories they always want to meet me but I hesitate when they get too close to me I scare them all away go out for tea just us and a couple of animals stuffed into chairs in a poorly lit hole in the wall wanting to tell me their secrets wanting everything explained but when it gets too creepy they run and rip their slacks tracing every word singing every melody my existence is too absurd to fit their childhood dreams running to the army focusing their death ray kissing some hero while credits roll over my face

dinner we evolved this relationship over dinner she’d eat anything I’d bring her just wanting to sit there together in the dark she didn’t want us to look at each other  truth be told she was a messy eater  I’d just focus on the sounds  of her teeth against the fork we’d play with food for hours I’d wait for her to finish  those vegetable traumas relived with each passing dish  by the time we left the table  we were only able  to drift off to sleep  on the way up the stairs awaking with a killer hunger  foraging all day for another dinner  the entire pattern would repeat itself  without ever making it to dessert

False Beginners heart doesn’t learn it can’t grow back it’s one dumb animal  threatening attack slash and burn making primitive traps we bait our mouths tying up our hands think I was here once before that smell and taste something’s familiar something brings me down a well worn road deja vu all over for false beginners you don’t know what to do your spine’s in control you wouldn’t be making these moves behind a one-way mirror the science is in research proves it expert minds blown by false beginners

"My life influenced me"- Ionesco record collection is the language  musical ability a typewriter vocal tract a subway fascination trap is a screen placed over your life to catch anything too large to be swallowed and excreted

The quality of our solitude after you scrape the ads swipe off the phone dial down the sugar, fat, and tobacco  stop worrying about bills department manager to-do list and tiny revenge scenarios how's it going in there how's the quality of your solitude forgetting the music voice to exercise pornographic Gifs translations unrealized what frequencies do you hear What does your void look like  does God have a beard is anything purple and beach-like there's nothing that compares  with that roaring silence naked on a log the cold has returned  I grab your fingers gently pulling you  we're eye to eye the moment dissolves your roar swallows mine I forget what we are

Connecticut  Her voice was weak  From counting money I filled in gaps  Over salad She'd tell me we'd Go hiking next weekend Always texting  To cancel Her parents, vague memories Her sister, an outpatient professional Neighbors, dead industrial thieves Living in suburbs of Connecticut  Checking my invitation twice In the servant's entrance Adjusting to the strange lighting With my mid-Atlantic accent Mistaken for a mine disaster hero Read about on platinum television  Pocketing the envelope from the desk After her bone spur orgasm Her dogs chased me  To the poverty line  I caught a ride back  With the doctor Selling me his daughter's OxyContin supply Out of the suburbs  Of Connecticut 

Identity Theft we meet in places  where I don’t live singing songs  I’ve never learnt I’m fixing for you   your favorite dish we’re driving in a car  that you’ve leased to the mall in a new  part of the city buying clothes  that don’t fit  we swipe purchases  with a disposable card then relax  to a very loud film later we undress  to just our masks engaging in consensual  s&m  I whisper sweet nothings  in your ear  tomorrow I start another job I’m not sure what it is

You look younger Did you lose weight Are you having sex Did you finally get over That drama you had It's good to see you Yes I'm still the same Still at it; some of the Names have changed We should get a beer Or a tea if you insist Run over those old scars With a brisk scrubbing action